Just in case anybody is wondering why I refer to every member of all armed forces as a murderer, Here’s why. It’s because of all the murdering they do.

I’ve heard theories about how on the whole the “defense” (lol, there’s a misnomer) force does good. Apparently they build schools and hospitals and stuff in parts of the world where bad things have happened. And apparently they do this much cheaper than, say, a builder could do it.

OK, so, firstly, for 25 billion dollars per year, I could build you a whole lotta schools and hospitals. I’m betting more than the military could, because I wouldn’t be spending that money on tools optimised for murder: The builders I sent out to build schools wouldn’t have access to attack helicopters, so they wouldn’t be able to murder anybody using mounted machine guns in attack helicopters. They wouldn’t have assault rifles, so their ability to murder people with assault rifles would be greatly diminished. You’re less likely to “accidentally” napalm a kindergarten if you’re not given any napalm as part of your “let’s go build a hospital” loadout. So not only would I save a bunch of money by not buying attack helicopters, assault rifles, and napalm, but I expect it would also have an effect on the number of murders done. Also, I’m no builder, but I suspect that a trowel is probably going to be a more effective tool for bricklaying than an assault rifle, in addition to being much much cheaper.

And, secondly, let’s say that I’m totally wrong and that attack helicopters are absolutely the best tool for the job of raising a building (which would make them super versatile, because they’re also pretty good for razing buildings) and that they’re cheaper than builders. Even if you’re building these schools and hospitals at one tenth the cost that a builder could, I’ll pay the extra to not have the whole “murder” and “warcrimes” things being done with my tax dollars, thanks.

Who wants to make a bet with me? I’ll bet you that nobody spends life in prison as a result of this.

Disband all armed forces immediately. The only things that they do better than anybody else are murder and warcrimes.