Here’s a news story I saw today:

…And here’s a totally unrelated Open Letter To Facetube From US, UK, and Australian Leaders Regarding Use of End-To-End Encryption

Some choice excerpts from the letter:

“We therefore call on Facebook and other companies to take the following steps:
• Enable law enforcement to obtain lawful access to content in a readable and usable format”

“We are committed to working with you to focus on reasonable proposals that will allow Facebook and our governments to protect your users and the public, while protecting their privacy. Our technical experts are confident that we can do so while defending cyber security and supporting technological innovation.”

(emphasis mine)

So…. Obviously… we should backdoor all military encryption, right? After all, this is only one pedo that has been found in the ranks of the RAAF. Who knows how many there could be out there? And in other arms of the “defense” forces? After all, we have documented examples of war criminals and murderers who remain unprosecuted.

(Speaking of war criminals, BTW, mad props to my main main, John Howard, for the recent 20 year anniversary of his totally successful eradication of the taliban).

We know for a fact that these systems are being used to commit crimes.

Do the police even have easy access to these encrypted military communication channels? Perhaps there’s a ring of pedos hiding in the very defence forces we so “love” and “admire”! Oh noes!

Worse, if we’re backdooring civilian communications, as you’re so keen do to, and the only properly secure channels left are military, then wouldn’t it be logical for a pedo to simply enlist in the military, where he can groom children all over the world totally securely? Perhaps most of the members of most of our armed forces are out there exploiting children!!! The only way we can know for sure is if we’re able to monitor their communications.

Perhaps if the police had backdoor access to military communications, they could have prevented the unfortunate actions of those soldiers in afghanistan murdering unarmed civillians and routinely carrying throwdown weapons to hide their war crimes. You know, those actions of a few bad apples who just happen to remain unprosecuted and totally definitely aren’t just the stupid ones who got caught doing it on film.

So, I mean, Obviously the best solution is obvious, right? We should backdoor all military encryption, right?

If we backdoored military encryption, we could totally protect the children from pedos!

Right?

I mean, you’re really interested in protecting the children, right? It’s not just about surveillance, right?

You totally have technicamal expamerts who assert that backdoors can be done safely, so there’s no problem, right?

You’re not full of shit, right?

So it’s pretty damn clear to me: Not only should Australia be backdooring all of it’s military encryption as a matter or urgency, we should be urging our allies to do the same. After all, the muurican military is much much bigger than ours – statistically there’s going to be even more pedos in the muuurican army! We need to catch them and stop these heinous acts of child abuse! (oh, and also, you know, maybe a reduction in the the whole “totally definitely not systemic war crimes” thing, as an added bonus)

Won’t somebody think of the children! And backdoor all military encryption!