“Having kids is hard”

“I won’t have a life for 18 years. And then I’ll be too old to have a life”

These are just some of the more common of the whingy, bitchy things people who have just had kids say to me.

Here’s a thought: I don’t fucking care! Did I twist your arm and make you have kids? No. Did I tell you beforehand that they’re a fucking nightmare, and that you’re making a big mistake? Yes. Did you listen to me? No.

So why should I listen to you or care in the slightest when you come to me whinging about how your life isn’t your own anymore?

You made the mistake, not me. Deal with it. I don’t want to hear about it. I know that having kids is a hassle and a nightmare which changes everything – that’s why I don’t have any, and why I will never have any. It’s almost certain that I told you that you were making a mistake at a point where it was still a choice. You chose to have kids, So don’t fucking bitch to me about the consequences of your actions.

There’s only one thing worse than “My life is over now that I have kids”, and that’s hiding behind your kids because you’re too fucking gutless to say “No, I don’t want to”.

“Oh, it’s such a hassle to get the kids in the car, it’d be too much to manage – I can’t come to [kid-safe-event-I've-invited-you-to]“.

My ass. How do you manage to go shopping then? Ever been to a family dinner since you had kids? How are these things any different?

I find this whole premise especially amusing in that 99.999% of the time your kids are entertaining themselves with their game boy or TV or DS or whatever-the-current-fad-you-fell-for-is – it seems kinda strange to me that your kids can be completely unsupervised at home and yet require your constant attention the minute you leave the house. If that really is the case, which I really really doubt, then as an independent observer I’d speculate that perhaps they’re not being properly disciplined?

Here’s a simple, easy-to-follow set of instructions on how to get your kids in the car and to come to [kid-safe-event]:

1. Unlock Car
2. Say: “Kids, get in the car”
3. Scream at any child who is fucking around
4. Beat any child who is still fucking around
5. Pick up any remaining children and put them in the car forcibly
6. Lock Car
7. Drive to event

Problem solved.

Secret tip: when your kids get unmanageable / unruly in public, screaming out “STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW OR I’LL SMACK YOU ONE” works wonders. If that makes them cry, you can always use the good old chestnut: “SHUT UP OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!”

Oh, what’s that? you still can’t come? Oh, right, well if you need to…uh… do your washing then that’s fair enough, I understand…

Liar.